Not my skin

I’ve always felt like a stranger in my own body.  

When I run I always felt like there was so much more I could do.  So day after day I trained obsessively.  My hair became a hinderance, so I cut it off completely.  My body whilst made up of taught muscle it still felt wrong.  Day by day my breasts grew to the point where running became painful.  I took to painfully strapping them flat.  

No matter how much I hated the constant struggle with my growing femininity I bore it. I thought I am strong and I can get through this because no matter who I am on the outside the person I am inside is made of steel.  At least that’s how I felt at the time.  I suppose you could say that day broke me.

The part I remember most is how beautiful she looked with fear and sadness echoing out of her eyes.  Those eyes that had always looked at me with adoration.  She used to smile up at me with praise every time I won.   She used to cry when we were kids because she always lost at chasey.  We used to sit in comfortable silence whilst we just hung around doing nothing at all.  I can’t imagine doing any of those things now.

Sorry no image credit.  My google search was fruitless

 

I never meant to confess and ruin it all.  I knew she didn’t see me that way.  There had never been attraction in those eyes like it had been in mine.  But she invited me out to meet those boys like it was nothing.  I just couldn’t bear to see her laughing and being held by them.  She was disappearing.  After I said it she was so shocked that when I ran away she didn’t move.  She just stood there.

I lived in trepidation for a week.  Avoiding where I knew she would be.  Pretending I wasn’t home when she finally caught up to me.  I had taken a different way home to normal and we just happened to bump into each other.  She grabbed my sleeve before I could run.

“Please Gracie.  Just look at me.” She said

When I turned to catch her face her eyes were filled with tears.  

“I’m sorry,” She sobbed.  “I love you more than I love anyone but I’m not attracted to you in that way.  I don’t want to lose you and I’ve seriously thought about this but I just can’t.  Please.  Please don’t end us.”

I stared at her long enough for her tears to end. We just looked at each other in the dry midday heat.  There was only one answer I could give and it hurt more than my life.

“No.”

After that I ran.  I ran till my breath was now realistically puffing.  No longer the sharp jagged breath of a broken heart.  I ran till I was numb.  Then in the cold outskirts of the town I came across a run-down old church.  Graffiti covered the walls.  Only the damned live here.  Enter if you care not.  Further in the graffiti changed.  Welcome fellow lost soul.  What price will you pay?

In the very back of the church I came across what looked like a magic circle in a room filled with death.  Bones littered the floor and the circle seemed to have been drawn in blood.  The entire place stunk with rot and decay.  The once precious artifacts of faith now rusty and bent.  The atmosphere filled me with despair.

My head swum with the thoughts I’d kept buried deep.  What is the point of living a lie?  Why suffer in this body made for someone else?  

“NO!” I shouted.  “I am stronger than this!”

Suddenly a beautiful woman stepped out of the shadows.  She took my breath away.  She was everything Kara was not.  Seductive.  Confident.  She looked at me with barely concealed desire.  This body that didn’t match my mind mattered not to her.  She placed a graceful well-manicured hand on my arm and said, “I can see that.”  She stepped up next to me.  Her dark hair blew softly against my arm and all I could do was stare deeply into those burning eyes.

“Oh.” She breathed.  “How utterly disappointing.  You already love someone.”

She turned and started to walk away.

“Wait!”  I yelled.

She turned back around the way a cat would.  Her movements were all arched backs and curved necks.  

“The walls asked me what price I would pay.  How do I use this circle to make a wish?” I pleaded.

She arched her eyes with curiosity.

“You make your wish.  You pay me to listen to you with blood and if I’m satisfied with your wish I will take that which is most dear to you as payment.”  Her voice practically purred.  She reached down within her cape and pulled out a deadly looking knife and held it out to me.

In a swift movement I slashed my finger and let the blood drip down into the magic circle.  The woman smiled broadly and said, “I’m listening.  What is your wish mortal?”

My heart beat strongly in my chest and I said, “I want to be male.”

She laughed with glee and said, “How truly delightful.  I love it.  Of course, for payment you will be giving me what is most dear to you.”

I looked at her in determination, “Not that it matters but what is it?”

She giggled again and said, “It’s your love.  I’m taking away the thrill that makes your heart beat for her.  You can still see her.  Maybe you’ll fall in love with her again one day, but it will never be the same.  Everything you once truly treasured will become the fond memories of a friend.  I am going to enjoy this.”

She grasped my arm pulled my finger into her mouth and sucked off the blood.  She licked her lips and lunged toward me.  She pressed her lips hard against mine and wrapped her hands around my head.  Panic rose up inside me and I suddenly blacked out.

When I woke up the next day I felt at peace.  In shock remembrance I threw off the covers.  My chest was still my chest but where my breasts had been I was now as flat as a board.  The mole that I’ve had since I was born was still next to my belly button.  I shyly peeked underneath my underwear and let out a little squeal of delight.  I’m a boy!

Suddenly from down below I heard my mother call me to come down to breakfast.

Reality came crashing down.  What was I going to tell my mother?  What am I going to tell the people at school?  Panic started to set in.  I got up and started to pace around the room but when I walked past the mirror I paused in shock.  The reflection was me but there were subtle differences.  I looked taller.  My shoulders were slightly broader and my hips less wide.  There was an Adams apple on my neck and my face seemed more angular and less round.

In the meantime, my mother had gotten sick of waiting and flung the door open.

“Gracie get your butt down to breakfast…” she stopped her sentence midway.  She stared at me for a long moment before continuing, “Gracie what is going on?”

My mother had always been there for me.  Whilst I would never dream of telling my dad of how I hated my body I’d come close to telling my mother on numerous occasions.  I didn’t because I always panicked. Her constant unwavering love is one of the sources of my strength.  I didn’t know what I would do if that ever stopped.

I sat down hard on the bed and put my head in my hands.  Mum hesitated but then obviously decided that I was Grace like enough.  The hand she placed on my shoulder was tentative.

“I was cursed by a demon and now I’m a boy.” I said.  I was shocked at how much deeper my voice was.  

She sucked her breath in with a his and her arms encircled me.

“Oh, Gracie honey.  I will hunt down that demon to the end of the earth if you want me to.” She said.

I tensed.  That was the last thing I wanted.  

 

She continued, “You don’t want that do you?”

I lifted my head to look at her then slowly shook it from left to right.

She blew out in a huff, sat back on the bed and said, “How on earth are we gonna navigate through this one?”  Then she stood up bracing her knees with her hands.  “Well we can think about it on a full stomach.  Come down and have breakfast.  I think you’re calling in sick to school today.”

I smiled, threw on my dressing gown and walked out to breakfast.  Wow.  I’ll have to buy some new clothes.  The dressing gown barely fit round my shoulders.  

As I walked past, the door the bell rang.  Without thinking I opened it up and came face to face with Kara.  She stepped back in shock.  I suddenly felt the loss of my love for her.  Here she was.   Luminous beauty.  Her blond hair highlighted by the morning light and I felt not one beat for her.  She was simply a friend.  Even more.  For her this new me is a stranger.

“Gracie?” She asked her brows arching in confusion.

I ran my hair reflexively back through my hair and the dressing gown fell open slightly.  Her eyes darted toward the opening and my chest before she turned her head away.  I blushed in embarrassment and closed the dressing gown again.

“Um no.” I said.  “I’m Graces cousin Mark.”  I was flying by the seat of my pants here. 

She blushed and said, “Sorry.  Obviously not.  It’s just you’re wearing her dressing gown.  Can I see her please?”

 “Sorry.” I said, “She got up really early and went for a jog.  She’s not back but I can tell her you called by.”

She looked crestfallen.  Again, I was amazed.  In the past I would have been fighting back the urge to hold her in my arms but now I just felt kind of sad for her.  

“Sorry to bother you.” She said.  She slowly picked up her bags and left as if trying to drag out the time till I arrived.  It felt cruel.  I watched her leave and internally examined her now against the memory from yesterday.  I remember the pain.  I remember how stunningly beautiful she looked in her sadness but when I looked at her now I felt nothing.

I went inside and closed the door.  Leaning back up against it I slid down until I was hugging my knees.  What did it mean when she took my love for Kara?  She said I could learn to love her again, but it would never be the same.  In fear I wracked my brain for answers desperately arriving at the worst conclusion.

Was Kara the love of my life?  Am I now never going to love properly ever again?

Sorry no image credit.  My google search was fruitless.

::This was written for the #picturestory writing challenge on the Writers Club Amino. The picture I was given was the first one.::